For the last several weeks I have been trying to make sense of the tragedy of Newtown Connecticut and all the rest of the massacres before and since Newtown. I am especially confused by America’s fascination with guns and I must admit I don’t understand. Why do we need to have everyone armed? I keep thinking people who carry handguns, or own automatic or semi-automatic weapons are feeding a deep seated inadequacy and guns allow them to feel powerful. I wouldn’t call such people cowards but they obviously have fear issues that they blow way out of proportion to what the real world offers. And, if someone thinks 6 and 7 year olds are a threat to your life then you really need to see a professional and get counseling.
The NRA tells us that more guns are the solution to our problem of gun violence, and I respectfully question their thinking and sanity. How can more guns on the street prevent gun violence? It didn’t in 1800’s and it won’t now. Wasn’t it Wyatt Earp in Dodge City who banned guns in town and reduced the level of violence that the town was famous for? How does the NRA support such a ridiculous statement?
While I am primarily a vegetarian I accept the fact that some people still hunt for food, especially in Alaska. But, I just don’t see the sport in killing a living animal. In the lower 48 is it really necessary to go out and kill an animal for food these days? Can’t people get the same thrill of “hunting” using a camera to “bring home your trophies? After all you’re in the same outdoor environment and it takes as much, or more, skill to get a good picture than it does to kill an animal.
I am at a loss as to why anyone would own any weapon other than a single shot rifle. Everything else is only good for killing another human being. Unless, of course, you want shredded deer meat you aren’t going to use an automatic rifle to go deer hunting and I can’t imagine what such a weapon would do to bird.
Unless you have to hunt to put food on your table then there is no excuse or reason to own a gun. If you are a collector then all your specimens should be permanently disabled and securely locked up to prevent them from being used at any time.
I am afraid that just like everyone else I don’t have answers other than to say this country needs massive group counseling for paranoia. The world can be a scary place when you don’t know what tomorrow brings. But in my experience tomorrow is never as bad as the “so called experts” say it will be and contrary to all rumors the world will not end if individuals do not own weapons used only for killing people.
Gun violence isn’t about guns, it’s about people, individuals and groups, who see the worst in the future and can’t imagine a world that embraces life rather than death. I have great pity for such people for they live in a world I am totally unfamiliar with. Such people are sick and should be treated as such, with compassion and sympathy and help for their fears that feed their paranoia. So maybe that is my solution – group therapy for people who own guns. I don’t think it would hurt and maybe it would help those who feel a false sense of fear feeding their personal inadequacy, which leads to paranoia, which leads to violence. Maybe, just maybe, there would be fewer massacres such as Newtown, Portland, Colorado, Seattle, Tacoma, there are too many to name. Sick people use guns to kill other people, I get that, but what I don’t get is why we don’t address the root cause and that is, unreasoning fear and paranoia in large numbers of people in this country. We need to address that issue, and then guns won’t matter.
Revelation 3:20- “Listen! I am standing at the door, knocking; if you hear my voice and open the door; I will come in to you and eat with you and you with me.”
For the last four months I have been on an inward journey. I don’t know where this journey will lead me, although I am hoping it will help me come to some conclusions about ministry. Beginning in September I did mostly silent prayer or, depending on the day and moment, contemplative prayer. I would sit for 30 minutes to an hour in silence up to three times a day. I discovered that I was developing a very quiet place somewhere inside and all of the stress and disappointment of the last year were beginning to slip away. As I felt the need I started adding other practices, a bible study, a new interplay class, and a book study.
Through all of this I wrote in my Journal and added to my blog and one of the repeating themes is I am looking at scripture and readings from a very different perspective and the above scripture from Revelation is a good example.
I am fairly confident that all of you have seen the iconic picture of Jesus standing at a door knocking. Have you looked closely there is no door handle; the door must be opened from the inside. This passage from Revelation has been bugging me lately so I started taking it apart and trying to visualize it from a different angle. The one perspective that seems to intrigue me is what if the door is the one into my heart and the person standing on the outside is me, not Jesus. The door is ajar but I have to make the effort to push it open and walk in and in my meditations I seem to be standing at the entrance unable to move toward the door. Sort of like the rodent in one of Rudyard Kipling books where it won’t go into the center of the room but always creeps around the edges.
The reason this perspective seems to be so important is 1) I have always believed part of the creator already resides within me, and for that matter within all of creation; 2) the place behind the door to my heart, or hearts door, represents for me my deepest level of spirituality. It is the place that knows me best, the good and the bad, and offers forgiveness and grace even when I do not acknowledge it. So, to me, it makes perfect sense that in the room behind the hearts door I will find G-d because G-d is the root, or grounding, of my very being and where I want to be. But I am afraid to cross the threshold.
So what does it mean if I am the one outside of my hearts door? First of all it means that
G-d/Jesus/Holy Spirit is waiting for me to acknowledge the Divine Presence and that that recognition means I am giving up some of the control of my life over to the true being within. The acknowledging part is fairly easy, but, crossing the threshold and entering into full communion with the Divine is a lot harder. There are risks to crossing into that sacred place, for one thing I would have to let go of my ego, and many of my desires, such asto always be at the top of everything. Sometimes the Holy Spirit wants me to be second, third or even last at some task because it challenges me to look deeper at who I am and who I want to be. Because of my unwillingness to let go of my ego, I have spent most of my 65 years standing outside the chamber behind my hearts door and it has resulted in a life where hard lessons are learned and travels on rocky roads are my only choices. I had to hit rock bottom before I could accept that I could not live this life alone, I needed help; I needed love, grace, and forgiveness in order to become who I am.
Fourteen years ago I was at that rock bottom place and my path choices weren’t looking all that appealing. I have always wondered why we have to be at the worst possible crossroad in order to recognize the grace and forgiveness of G-d, but it does and I am no exception. Just like John of the Cross I was having my own “dark night of the soul.” It wasn’t until all light in my life had disappeared that I called out to G-d, crossed the threshold and entered into the arms of the Divine.
One result of my turning this scripture around so I stand at the door instead of Jesus is that I become the one to initiate contact with G-d. G-d, Holy Spirit, Jesus becomes the force that waits for me to decide how, and when I will respond to their call. I choose to cross the threshold or walk away. Granted I have had a great deal of preparation for that moment in my life but a willingness to risk everything on an invisible (and to some non-existent) entity does not make the choice any easier. Maybe that is why it takes those “dark nights” for us to make the choice to let our lives be lead by the Divine. Unless we have only two choices, life or death, before us we won’t choose life. We will continue to walk without the guidance of G‑d because that path seems easier to walk than the one G-d and there are so of those distractions to choose from. But that is an illusion.
I must admit to a lot of darting out the door only to return with bowed head asking for forgiveness. I am always amazed at the joy the Divine exhibits at the return of this wayward child. I know I am blessed by grace because I can fail G-ds expectations over and over again and return over and over again and I will be welcomed home just as the prodigal son was, with fatted calf and celebration.
See G-d wants us to be inside that sacred room and whenever we leave, the Divine keeps the fires burning for our return. I like to think that hot chocolate and double chocolate chip cookies are waiting for me to communion with the ground of my being. All I have to do is cross the threshold.
Mark 14:36 36He said, ‘Abba,* Father, for you all things are possible; remove this cup from me; yet, not what I want, but what you want.’
I know Advent is only a few weeks away (have you done your Christmas shopping yet?) but it is this verse from Mark that has played over and over in my mind for weeks now. Jesus is in the garden and asking that he be spared but he surrenders to what will happen and for that reason we have the resurrection and our Faith Tradition.
Now I am not one who believes that G-d incarnated Himself just to be hung on a cross for my sins or anyones sins. My belief is that G-d had hoped, we, his most recalcitrant creation would listen to the Word of Jesus and transform our lives and the world. I believe that for two reasons: first, Jesus repeatedly tells his disciples and anyone who was listening that the Kingdom of G-d was now, not in some future date, but now. And, I believe today the Kingdom is now if only we open eyes and ears to see and listen as G-d intends. But we don’t because, well, we don’t.
The second reason is the G-d I know and love would never deliberately send a beloved child to their death. Yes I know we have lots of stories in the Bible of G-d using violence but we have even more stories and words that express how much G-d loves and cares for us, especially those who are marginalized. So Jesus was hung on the cross because of the blindness and deafness of the people he only wanted to transform. We today are still pounding those nails into Jesus hands and feet because we are still blind and deaf. We have yet to transform and recognize the Kingdom all around us.
And, that brings me to my latest meditation. First of all the imagery of the cup has been an important one for me for over a year. I have wrestled with the cup placed before me and realized how bitter that can be. I also know just how sweet the cup is. I was devastated when a small minded official denied me a temporary visa to study in Switzerland and that was a bitter cup to swallow. But I have discovered how sweet the cup has been in the last number of week’s as I have come to new insights about who I am as a spiritual being, and what my future ministry will be with God.
But the primary image is of Jesus’ surrender to the path laid before him, saying not my will but yours. Surrender, that word is loaded with many images. There is the image of a soldier standing in front of his company waving a white flag as they surrender to an enemy. Or, picture a child being held down by a bully and crying “uncle” in order to get away from their tormentor. But it also has some wonderful positive images. Surrendering can also mean release from suffering. I have been with the elderly who have surrendered to the inevitable and come to a time of peace about the end of their lives. I was with my father in the last days of his life as he lay dying from cancer and I watched his face as it became peaceful and accepting of his discovery he wasn’t going to overcome the illness, but instead was headed toward something sweet, even if he didn’t know what that was.
But it is the image of an individual who has reached rock bottom in their lives from substance abuse or something they have done or has been done to them when the ultimate surrender happens that has the most importance for me. It is the image of someone who has nowhere else to go but up that holds my attention. I have been in that place partly of my own doing and partly of the worlds. I know what it means to be at the bottom of a well and yelling at G-d, “I give up; you fix it because I can’t.” It took a great deal of faith and trust for me to let go and let G-d take over. I am a control freak, at least over my own life, and always want, and still do, to take the reins and run with them. I want to tell G-d what I will do rather than wait and listen for what G‑d wants.
But there is a liberating feeling to that surrender to G-d’s plan. While I have to keep reminding myself that I surrendered remembering it opens me to the possibilities of seeing and hearing in a totally new way. I see everything around me differently, everything becomes new. It is as if I have put on a new pair of glasses and now I see clearly for the first time in many years. Does that analogy sound familiar to you? It should.
In each of the Gospels we have stories of Jesus healing the blind and opening the ears of the deaf. These may or may not have been factual healings. Jesus was known as a healer and I have no doubt that he was an exceptional one. But these may also have been metaphorical stories about people who are spiritually blind and deaf who reconnect with G-d and creation. They find the path that lead back to G-d and life.
I want to say I have again found the path, but I must admit I seem to keep losing it. Mostly because of my own ego and arrogance that tells me I can do better by myself. But I am blessed that G-d has had so much patience with me. Letting me stray and then return with a bruised and humbled ego, kissing my wounds and saying “welcome home.” This prodigal daughter must constantly pray, ‘I surrender,” because otherwise I forget.
I am currently in a period of discernment about what direction my life and ministry will take. It is hard waiting for G-d to speak, but I am praying over and over again, “I surrender, let not my will but yours be my life.” I am beginning to see a path again and it is in the feeling of being surrounded by loving arms that is keeping me pointed towards that path. I don’t know if I am ‘seeing’ correctly yet but I have time to figure that out. There will be a cup at the path I will have to drink from, sweet or bitter, I don’t know which it will be, but if I have true faith. If I am committed, loyal, hold my allegiance to, and grow my relationship with, G-d I know I will be Ok; more than Ok, sweetly happy.
“I surrender to you Oh Holy One,
in you I put my trust,
in you I give my loyalty and allegiance,
my life is in your hands.
If I should stray from your arms
guide me back with your love.
Open my eyes to see your light,
open my ears to hear your voice.
Love holds the key,
life is the door,
surrender turns the handle.
You oh Beloved wait on the other side.
NOTE: I did not request the highlighted words, they just appeared. I am trying to find out how to remove them, but if I can’t please know that Wordpress added them not me.
Genesis 12:1-4 1Now the Lord said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you.2I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.3I will bless those who bless you, and the one who curses you I will curse; and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.”
4So Abram went, as the Lord had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he departed from Haran.
What does it mean to be “too old?” That is a question I have been pondering for the last several weeks. In early September I was supposed to travel to Switzerland to begin a four and half month period of study at the Ecumenical Institute in Bossey. I was accepted to the program by both the Ecumenical Institute and the University of Geneva all that I needed to complete the paper work was a visa for a temporary student residency from the Canton of Vaud. Unfortunately the letter I did receive was that they were going to deny me a visa because I was over the age of 30 (I’m 65) and they normally didn’t give temporary student residency visa to those over 30. They said I was already in the work force and therefore didn’t need to expand my learning skills. Needless to say I was stunned at the letter and even though I appealed this decision they still denied me entry.
I do not feel “old.” In fact I have just completed my Master’s of Divinity Degree and am looking forward to whatever G-d has planned for me. I still don’t know what that is but I’m sure G-d does. So am I at 65 old? Well yes, I am older than those in their 30’s or 40’s or 50’s but does that mean I should go and sit in a rocking chair? I do have a very nice one and I love to sit in it and read but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing that. I think G-d has more planned for me and that is something I have often felt when a change is in the air. In fact I was adding up how many different careers I’ve had in the last 40 years and I think this is my 5th one. This Masters degree is my second one and the one I am the most fond of, the one I feel the most blessed to have achieved. I worked hard and earned this degree, it was never handed to me just because I was the oldest one in the room. So when do we stop learning, when do we become unable to be a gift to those around us, to all creation?
I don’t believe we ever stop learning or growing if we have the desire to do so. I don’t believe that G-d ever intended us to stop being partners in creation. The G-d I know doesn’t have a retirement plan and we never become redundant in the eyes of the Holy Spirit. In scripture it is rare for a young person to be the one called on by God. Abram, Sarah, Jacob, Moses, even Jesus were well into their adult years when they were called to be messengers and founders of our faith. Mohammed and the Buddha were also called late in life. It takes living to be able to understand the difficulties, joy, tears, and beauty of what it means to respond to a call of the Spirit. I’m not saying someone in their 20’s can’t do it, I’m simply saying in general the more life we experience the more compassion and patience we have and the more willing we are to offer mercy.
As a young adult I was very quick to make judgments and did not worrying about the consequences. As I’ve grown older I recognize what is really important in my life, allowing the smaller more insignificant things to simply take care of themselves. I have also learned that what I thought was important was not and that the important things are fewer but more precious.
I have since learned that age discrimination is not at all uncommon in Europe and that people who are of a “certain” age must retire and stop being productive citizens of the community. Age discrimination is also common in this country, but, we are changing simply because within the next 10 years there will be more people over the age of 65 than those who are younger. We in America are beginning to recognize the value of working long after what our parents and grandparents understood as retirement. I am at the beginning of the Baby-Boomer generation and those that come after me will rewrite the rules for what it means to grow old.
A growing life does not stop unless you turn away from it and let it die and I have seen that happen. I have seen educated productive individuals accept the image of age put on them, and let their advantage of wisdom wither on the vine. I however refuse to let that happen to me. I “will not go gently into that dark night” as Dylan Thomas so beautifully states it. God is not through with me yet. The Holy Spirit still has work for me and still speaks through me and my life. I will not let some small minded bureaucrat in some small office in Switzerland decide for me when I am no longer useful to my world.
So listen up people! Life is never done until you close your eyes for the last time and only G-d knows that date. Until then don’t listen to those who belittle you for being older. Stand up and be counted among the partners of G-d. Never stop learning; open a book, learn a new trade, start a new career. Our bodies may no longer let us do the physical work we once did but that doesn’t mean our minds have to diminish. Apply your hard earned years of wisdom to those who need it most. We, who have walked many rocky paths, have much compassion, justice and mercy to offer those who struggle in this world. Offer your wisdom and enthusiasm for life to them, they will be grateful. By the grace of the Holy Spirit we are a force to be reckoned with if we recognize the power we have in the life we give to others. Don’t waste it by sitting in that offered rocking chair; life is too precious for that.
Today I am offering not a prayer of my own making but rather one offered to me in my time of stress by a good friend. Soulful Nature is a Lakota Prayer that has brought me some peace. I hope it finds a place within you to offer you rest.
Soulful Nature
Wakan Tanka, Great Mystery,
teach me how to trust my heart,
my mind, my intuition,
my inner knowing,
the senses of my body,
the blessings of my spirit.
Teach me to trust these things
so that I may enter my Sacred Space
and love beyond my fear,
and thus Walk in Balance
with the passing of each glorious sun.
~Lakota Prayer~
The Sacred Space is the space between exaltation and inhalation.
To Walk in Balance is to have Heaven (spirituality) Earth (physicality) in Harmony
A Quiet Walk 