9I say to God, my rock, “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I walk about mournfully because the enemy oppresses me?”
10As with a deadly wound in my body, my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me continually, “Where is your God?”
11Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God.
I have to admit I haven’t always lead an exemplary life and the life I have led has been on roads and paths G-d might have preferred me to avoid. Those bumpy roads led me to places where I felt abandoned and alone. But, I have to remember that I choose those roads, I choose to ignore the sacred voice within and live outside of G-d’s love. I choose to be there, even when the event that got me there was none of my doing I still choose NOT to recognize I wasn’t alone. I couldn’t or wouldn’t see G‑d walking beside me every step of the way. I choose to see only darkness; I simply refused to see the luminous darkness that was G-d.
Yes I blamed G-d for all the bad events in my life, isn’t that what every human does? As a human being I saw the worst and assumed the worst. I rolled around in my self-pity, yelling at G-d that life was unfair and therefore G-d either didn’t exist or didn’t care what happened to me. I yelled at G-d telling her “why are you doing this to me, why aren’t you there for me, why am I so alone.” I was so busy trying to run from those comforting arms that I never recognized that it was G-d holding me up, that Jesus was the one helping my broken spirit and that the Holy Spirit was trying to dry my tears. Because I did not recognize G-d I was afraid, so afraid. My bones shook with fear until I thought they would break. I could not see that what happened to me were the consequences I had to experience and live through in order to find my way back to a better place.
It wasn’t until I ran out of tears, ran out of words, until I ran out of myself that I was able to open the door and let you in, G-d. Only then, O Divine One, did I feel your presence and finally rest in your outstretched arms. I was still afraid, but I wasn’t alone any longer. My fear was not as frightening because I knew you were there, and I know it now, in this moment of time I now live.
Why do I put myself through all of that? Why do any of us? Is the struggle to return to you G-d after I have rejected you so important to my understanding of you as unconditional love? Well I think I know the answer to that question and it is yes. Yes it is important to walk through the darkness in order to see the light. Sometimes I have to test my own limits before I learn that you have no limits.
You, Oh G-d, will always welcome me back when I have strayed from your side. I know you are always there in the dark with me but my eyes are blinded by your startling bright light and I cannot see. Because I can’t see I fear you’ve left me to stumble in the darkness. It is only when I regain some hope that you are there, that my eyesight begins to clear. When I choose to hope, I choose you, oh G-d. It is when I choose not to recognize you, there beside me, that I become hopeless and unable to see your glory all around me.
So I will choose hope, I chose you oh G-d, I am choosing you G-d. I have made my choice and I choose to live in your light, your love, your hope. Will I sometimes forget that choice, probably? In some future time I will again fail to see your presence in the dark and you will be there walking right beside me. You will not leave me alone even if I believe you have. But the big difference now is I know you forgive, I know you offer me grace and I will fall into your arms when the tears and words run out and you will comfort me.
O patient G-d I am grateful for your presence, even when I push you away. Grant me my moments of struggle and suffering even though you suffer with me because, in my suffering I discover again your amazing love. Amen
Ruth Jewell ©December 16, 2013