It is the small things in life that delight me the most. This morning we took one of our pumpkin pies to a friend and then went to Third Place Books to sell some old books and maybe pick up a new one. The rain was coming down hard and it was so dreary, yet, I had, have, this amazing sense of delight in just being here in this world, at this moment in time. I want to feel guilty because I don’t have anything really pressing me right now, but, I don’t. I enjoyed sharing a cup of tea with John as we each ate a cookie while waiting to find out how many books the store would buy. It was so much fun just sitting across from him and laughing at something he said. I can’t remember how long it has been since I’ve done that. I took particular delight in discovering that the store credit the books bought me was enough to buy a brand new one for 92 cents. And, it wasn’t a book I had to read for a class either, YEAH.
My life in the last number of years has been filled with tasks to do either at home, for family, for Church, or for school and I have often felt overwhelmed. Suddenly I have time to be just here and I am feeling quite blessed and graced by the Divines permission to be silly if I want to be. I have taken this space to just be me; to wait on and listen for some WORD from the Holy Spirit as to what direction my life will take now. I know at some point I will grow weary with this much time for myself and I will become anxious for G-d to speak to me. But, I am not ready yet, I am having way too much fun waking up each morning and telling John “I don’t know what my day will be like, but it will unfold before me and I will be amazed.”
Today is the day after Thanksgiving and John is in the living room watching 2 football games at a time (I’m not sure how he keeps them straight) and I have just finished a Dune novel. The rain continues but I feel the Sun behind the soggy clouds and know that my day is really filled with light. I have begun packing for my graduation gift trip in December and I am filled with joy at the thought of spending time alone with John. I am in a sunny bubble even with all the clouds.
The last time I felt this way was just before my wedding in 2000. I felt then that I was particularly blessed by the Spirit because I couldn’t stop smiling or laughing. I kept giving things away just because I wanted everyone to share in my good fortune and happiness. As I prepared for that big day I felt filled by Spirit and light and that is how I feel right now. Kind of giddy, and silly, and confused in a happy way, and … well you get the idea.
It is not as if I don’t have things to do, because I do. I am writing a proposal for an advisor concerning my future ministry, I’ve begun writing my thoughts for my ordination paper and I am discovering some things I would like to do the first of the year at church. But right now I am free. Like a butterfly in a garden I can flit from flower to flower, or just sit and admire the view. Yes, responsibilities will return but right now I am happy, and free of worry. Those other things will take care of themselves for a little while more or at least until I hear that WORD from G-d who says “Now go forth.” I can wait.
Ruth Jewell, ©November 23, 2012