Paper Ramblings

Questions of Faith

questions of faith
do I believe? no not today
off somewhere fun
guilt somehow intrudes

questions of faith
is today the day? no not today
work must be done
worry about what will happen

questions of faith
maybe today? maybe not
open a book
get out of my mind

questions of faith
screaming OK
now is the time
give up, let go,

questions of faith
are you still there?
here I AM
wait

(C) Ruth Jewell, May 1, 2010

Ramblings:

I am writing a paper on the conversion of Saint Augustine and I’m stuck, or at least think I am.  What intrigues me most about Augustine conversion is how long it took for him to admit he had faith.  I guess I have to admit that I have a lot in common with Augustine for I too struggled with acceptance of God’s call.  No, I didn’t have a child out-of-wedlock or lust after men, and I never stole pears from my neighbors pear tree, but, I have my own dark secrets (which aren’t being told here! Augustine may offer a public confession if he wants too but I won’t).  Like good old Gus my dark secrets are hardly anything to write home about, but they sometimes seem dark to me; which means I’m probably just as much of a goofy geek as he was. So why did it take so long for me to say yes to God?  Now that is my quandary and maybe why I find the dialogue with God in the confessions so intriguing for I’ve held some of the same conversations (and my guess is that most people have as well).   All of the doubt and all of the questions and all of the confusion actually led me to a place where I couldn’t ignore the Divine and maybe that is the purpose of my dark night. 

Just as it was for Gus It took a moment of despair to bring us to a stop, to listen and wait in silence for the voice calling us.  In that moment it would have been easy to be overwhelmed by drowning fear but years of letting doubt intrude, of asking questions helped bring to both Gus and me to a point of acceptance.  Maybe that is what doubt is for, giving the opportunity to turn things over in your mind, to let the Presence dwell for a while then leave and come back.  Each time the Presence returned to me I felt Her and recognized I’d been missing something.  Snap decisions weren’t Gus’ forte nor are they mine, yes we hold a lot in common, Gus and I, maybe there’s hope for us yet.